GG. FML.

Well well well, today has gone really "well" .... I just screwed up the very first paper of this semester, when failing is not an option at alllllll.

FUCK. Goodbye to next semester and everything I wish to achieve in this lifetime.

The truth will be revealed on 29th Dec, which I can predict I am not able to get that minimum and say goodbye. I really don't have the mood to move on if it ever happens this coming semester.

Bye. Off to sulk my life away...

First paper, part death sentence.

I JUST HAD THE BEST REST EVER SINCE LAST WEEK.

Maybe partly because I had the opportunity to sleep at 10pm and wake up early. Isn't that better than burning midnight oil? It is also an excuse for trying to escape the remaining chapters I need to study for the paper later that starts at 1pm. 

This exam marks the beginning of my life on a thread, whether I can continue my university education or say goodbye. I am not exactly in the shape that I was hoping to be in. Well, life doesn't always go the way we want it, doesn't it always? T_T I hope that whatever tension and stress I am feeling goes away before the exams, WHO WANTS TO FAIL?!

Alright, I'm done ranting. 

Need to establish a good relationship with my notes. 

The beginning of the repeated nightmare, new semester

Thought I'd share a bit of my fears before I embrace school tomorrow... Well, it should be today but due to the Saturday public holiday... so, you get the idea.

I know every Semester I get freaked over the changes for. This sem will suck so bad with my impending suicidal determination to try another semester. I am risking it all this time. Whether I will have a serious mark on my academic portfolio or sail it through and rest everything again. Who knows? Only the exam results could tell. And to say I just got up on my feet in poly with a good grade but emotionally struggling here and there every sem., my academic career has yet met with another downfall which I hope really isn't the end for me yet. T_T  

Next, DIP. Basically hardware isn't my thing, but I will still try to do it though. 2AUs. Just gonna do it and complete it. Trying my hardest to hold myself together and trying to pull off this the impending doomed in the upcoming 13 weeks.

I know I shouldn't  be stressing myself, but sometimes I just can't help it. I am like in freaked out mode whenever I have to face something so new and gradually get into the grove. MY ADAPTATION TO LIFE SUCKS. I wish I wasn't an adult... Haiz. But I am not giving up just yet. I will try not to be too negative and try my hardest this semester to hold on to the positive vibe with my Rasclat Bracelet. Maybe I should get the Lokai Bracelet as a reminder too.  

RANTING COMPLETED. STRESS RELIEVED. Off to prep for school tomorrow. 

Bye folks! 

Sempiternal

Why do I suddenly feel this is so accurate....

If you can't soar with the eagles, 

Then don't fly with the flock. 

Are you still getting by?

Maybe next May

1 more month...

1 more chance... 

... before all hell breaks loose...

(The start of school!)

The past 2 months of holiday wasn't all comfort and happiness, although I did managed to hang with my friends. Half my my life span during the holidays was spent worrying and freaking out on results, upcoming semester and what now. Resulting in a serious case of insomnia. I have to start with the pep talk and self motivation. Funny how 3 months can just fly past so quickly. I REALLY HOPE I CAN MAKE IT NEXT SEMESTER! *FINGERS CROSSED*

Now I have to go and plan the remaining of my holidays with the following activities before I have no life once again...

1) HK Trip.
2) Meetup with the 7! girls when I get back from HK.
3) Meetup with YY & Yvette.
4) Brunch with Agnes, Ming Jia and Hui Ting.

I hope I do not spend so much time on the above events that I don't have time to prep myself for the new semester and not slack off.

Hell and Back

Satisfactory, not really but I am glad I managed to make a huge improvement in my results this semester. Thanks for giving me another chance!

It's not about doing well, but surviving 13 weeks of school again. I think I might just go ahead and try another semester before I give up on my academic career since the GPA is increasing. I know I need to work 10 time harder then last semester but I am willing to give it my all because this has shown so much that actually I can make it. (Semester 1 is all too much of a disaster to go through over again.. if only my results in the 1st were the same as the semester, things wouldn't be so hard on me).

I have another 13 more weeks before I know if it is really the end of my academic career again, but sometimes we just got to take risks. If you never try you would never know. I just pleased to see the grades for programming and maths, but disappointed in my physics and software engineering grades.

I am really glad I found TONIGHT ALIVE'S HELL AND BACK! It gave me so much strength to face my results today and I have ISSUES'S NEVER LOSE YOUR FLAMES to push me on to continue with my uni education. What will I do without these bands in my life?!

Let's try it once more and see where it will get me...

"There’s no use in feeling low, No… 

But I never let myself down, so bad

But I never thought I’d have the things I have

Cause it was the heaviest rain I ever felt on my skin 

It was the heaviest place that I have ever been in 

As the walls crashed down I felt it slip away 

Cause I went to hell and back just to be where I am today"

One the edge

Results are coming out really soon, and I know my fate is near. Be it whether I am gonna keep up at it or just giving up on my dreams.

I really hope life would be a little kinder to me, give me a chance to step it up once more. I know I am more then this, I know I have made tons of mistakes but I am learning (being overly ambitious thinking I can handle 21 hours of lesson, struggling but refuse to get help and YES superrrrr overestimating my abilities.) Now its not about doing well getting the perfect results but being humble (I NEED THE HUMBLE PIE) and surviving till the end of the entire course which means graduation.

I am not afraid to say I am doing really badly in my chosen major, cause reality is staring right back at me. But if I am given another chance I am willing to do what it takes cause I have found whatever I have been looking for this holiday, the DETERMINATION (one that I have forgotten after my success in the polytechnic) as well as being super complacent about all the people around me (all the smart people who are studying in the local university who are much more hard working and smarter then me).

I know I have made some pretty bad choices, but sometimes we have to learn from them in order to ease up on the ego I have built up for my academic career. If only I am given another chance this coming friday...

If only....

Whatever it is, I am going to take whatever god has placed in my hand and take it as it is. Cause it's never about taking that one route, evidential in my WHOLE ACADEMIC CAREER. Life has it's way of coming around and making people understand. I will learn and make it there someday, if it's really that bad, I know I can... it's just a matter of how long... (:

What's the point?

I just wish I hadn't made that move, took that step cause the world is such a different place at where I am standing now.

Such a screw up.

I need to show that I can pull through this shit despite all the negativity. Cause I am going to prove people wrong!

Goodbye!

Life

Every time I walk pass my secondary school, it always trigger the memory linked to those wonder year. 9 years ago I was there bawling my eyes out worrying about the future. Here I am now, in uni. If you'd ask me 5 years ago where would I see myself 5 years later I never would have imagine this milestone that I have hoped all my life.

Life never ceased to amaze me. How peoples' life turns out differently. Kids we knew back in the days are now having their own families. Never did have I realized I am actually getting really old. But everyone has their own dreams. As for me, it's completing my tertiary education. 

This post doesn't really make a lot of sense since I saw some photos and just started thinking about how old I am getting and every second now shouldn't go to waste!

So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart

Nothing feels right anymore

Right now I'm sleepless and so here a quick post of randomise thoughts which might only make sense to me.

This exact quote is the representation of my life right at this moment and I couldn't have said it any better.

“I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. And because I cannot do everything I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.”

– Hellen Keller

HOWEVER.....

The situation right now is really all about re-enforcing her words. Now I don't think it's about me proving a point, but enjoying the process!

YES I CAN, I WILL, I MUST!!!!!!

(Ps: If I'd blog a post every time I can't seem to sleep, this blog ought to have the value of 5 * 13 post! -.-)

Denial

Denial is just the easiest way to hide the pain. Avoidence is the easiest way to avoid reality. 

Denial and avoidence. I'm doing both. I though I could do this, to act like everything is fine and it will be alright. But I'm lying to myself... I'm taken by stress and fear. Since that day, I cried for 2 days, on and off. Never knew I had that much tears. 

Now I feel really empty. The dream I used to have, where'd it go? (Queue The Wanted's song: All Time Low) Even my self esteem and personality has drop to an all time zero. The question is... should I be a bummer and spoil their day or just simply hide in my shell and not meet them at all? So much pondering.. so little time.

Seems like I'm still going for denial and avoidence. ㅠㅠㅠ