Hiving High Hopes?

I have never felt any emptier. I wish tears could easily fall and set a whole lot of emotions free, but what am I even feeling?

The fact that you are miss some things and holding on to things that will never work out. Is there any easier way to let things go?

Or is this merely PMS. Why has it been so hard on me recently? ):

I wish I am given a solution for things in my life...

The literal pain of a heartache...

I wish words could describe the thoughts and emotions that I am currently feeling, but at times the pain and things that are eating up at you could only be expressed that much.

I found the perfect album that says it all...

"If it's the will that has to be there, 

To find my way out of this hell that dwells inside of my head. 

Then I'll find the hope I misplaced and fear faced without a doubt. 

In a sea of shipwrecked thoughts my lungs are filled with lead now.

 I've been sinking so long. 

I've never been the type to give in, 

Maybe it's that feeling in my bones, 

That keeps me far from home. 

I'm miles away from all that I know, 

Maybe it's too hard for me to quit 

Down this path that's barely lit.

You know what's shaken me, is all the broken things.

I'm picking up what never went missing. 

Replace the piece of mind, fell out so far behind. 

So many words with a jaw still clenching. 

But now I'm through with you, nothing to do with you. 

I'm giving up on what was never there for me this time."

I really hope after doing this I will feel better.

But what are the odds, I am totally shattered and broken................

When the emotions are way bigger than you can handle.

THE NEW YEAR. Well, the lunar new year. Shouldn't it be a good start?

Well, not for me. Not really.

How could 2016 started off so badly that I am feeling so exhausted in the mere 2 months since it started? 

The number of emotional battles and anger management I got to handle goes beyond 1000. (Well, at least it feels like a 1000) I know many of those things are all my fault i.e. being too emotionally involved in situations. Well, I feel like I owe so many people an apology this year for all that shit that I have done. Well, I just don't feel like me recently.

The emptiness or longing rather has changed me. I feel like I suffering so badly, trying to breath, to hang on but there seems to be no way out of here. My temper and my mouth is getting the best of me. Maybe it is a sign I need to spend more time alone, stay away from people for a bit. 

At the end of the day we all go alone don't we? 

I am tired. Is there a better place out there for me? 

Complicated

Why do I feel the way I do. I know it would never be, but this constant nagging hope lives in me. Articles after articles are signs how I should be ignoring every single internal battle that my head and heart are having, forget whatever feelings I am having and would be having.

Being the person I am constantly putting my emotions in front of anything. This weakness is really anxiety ridden and really causing all the sleepless nights. If it is possible, I wish I was just a friend and never developed anything more than that. I hate this feeling of being trapped in the endless emotional circle. It really sucks to be me right now. I really wish I could simply just leave it all behind.

My life sucks so bad right now... I just need closure or just maintaining the friendship...

I hate how it is right now... T_T

What does it takes?

"Sometimes I wish something in the picture won't exist, 

but I'm quite exhausted from being the only one involved in this..."

I feel like crap. The feeling of constantly being in a vicious cycle and being so silly. Why can't I just let this go once and for all and continue the life I have been living all this time? Draw that line regardless. Why am I constantly drawn to the "bad habit"?

Right now I really do miss my familiar faces, cause they are the ones that give me the strength to kick the bad habit that is killing me softly.

Regardless, if this is a sign... please stop letting it get to me. At least show it will lead to somewhere and not this messed up feelings, attachment what-so-ever I am having!!!

IN THE FIRST PLACE WHY AM I SO SILLY?! T_T

FORGET IT... JUST END WHATEVER THIS IS!!!

Anxiety-ridden...

When change is inevitable.

I was hoping this 3 months of holiday would be different, will be something I look forward to. But all the things that happened recently has made the 1st week a living nightmare. Well, at least if I am homed up in my own room I don't care how much this is affecting me. But the fact is... 

DAMN IT... FINALLY HOW INTERNSHIP IS STARTING TOMORROW IS GETTING ME!

Well, it's not the company or the people I am anxious about. I am afraid of changes. All the recent changes was really been freaking me out. I look calm and at peace but inside I am dying. I lost the touch in expressing my true feelings to anyone or being honest to myself. I hate not being me! I hate how I lost track of my life. What sucks the most is how tomorrow being in hall without anyone I know will definitely take a toll on me...

Well, now I have to take this one step at a time... throwing all emotional shit away. Cause internship is real. I hope I can handle this.

When speaking fails, we fall back on words...

Less then 24 hours is the first paper for this Sem. But here I am trying to be emotional stable to handle all screwed up shit in my life. 

This Sem has been one hella of a roller coaster ride, emotional turmoil and a whole lot of expectations. I wish I could just leave the expectations behind and move on! 

But it's not possible... I just know this will end up like Y2S1 where all the shit storm started. HA, I can't wait for life to laugh in my face. DEAR GOD, WHY ARE YOU MAKING MY LIFE SO HARSH ON ME?! WHY?! 

As time slowly slips away to the final paper... I too feel myself slipping into a world of anxiety and sorrow.... 

I pray for the best. That's all I can say. Please just don't let me repeat any modules!

GG. FML.

Well well well, today has gone really "well" .... I just screwed up the very first paper of this semester, when failing is not an option at alllllll.

FUCK. Goodbye to next semester and everything I wish to achieve in this lifetime.

The truth will be revealed on 29th Dec, which I can predict I am not able to get that minimum and say goodbye. I really don't have the mood to move on if it ever happens this coming semester.

Bye. Off to sulk my life away...

One the edge

Results are coming out really soon, and I know my fate is near. Be it whether I am gonna keep up at it or just giving up on my dreams.

I really hope life would be a little kinder to me, give me a chance to step it up once more. I know I am more then this, I know I have made tons of mistakes but I am learning (being overly ambitious thinking I can handle 21 hours of lesson, struggling but refuse to get help and YES superrrrr overestimating my abilities.) Now its not about doing well getting the perfect results but being humble (I NEED THE HUMBLE PIE) and surviving till the end of the entire course which means graduation.

I am not afraid to say I am doing really badly in my chosen major, cause reality is staring right back at me. But if I am given another chance I am willing to do what it takes cause I have found whatever I have been looking for this holiday, the DETERMINATION (one that I have forgotten after my success in the polytechnic) as well as being super complacent about all the people around me (all the smart people who are studying in the local university who are much more hard working and smarter then me).

I know I have made some pretty bad choices, but sometimes we have to learn from them in order to ease up on the ego I have built up for my academic career. If only I am given another chance this coming friday...

If only....

Whatever it is, I am going to take whatever god has placed in my hand and take it as it is. Cause it's never about taking that one route, evidential in my WHOLE ACADEMIC CAREER. Life has it's way of coming around and making people understand. I will learn and make it there someday, if it's really that bad, I know I can... it's just a matter of how long... (:

What's the point?

I just wish I hadn't made that move, took that step cause the world is such a different place at where I am standing now.

Such a screw up.

I need to show that I can pull through this shit despite all the negativity. Cause I am going to prove people wrong!

Goodbye!

Nothing feels right anymore

Right now I'm sleepless and so here a quick post of randomise thoughts which might only make sense to me.

This exact quote is the representation of my life right at this moment and I couldn't have said it any better.

“I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. And because I cannot do everything I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.”

– Hellen Keller

HOWEVER.....

The situation right now is really all about re-enforcing her words. Now I don't think it's about me proving a point, but enjoying the process!

YES I CAN, I WILL, I MUST!!!!!!

(Ps: If I'd blog a post every time I can't seem to sleep, this blog ought to have the value of 5 * 13 post! -.-)

Denial

Denial is just the easiest way to hide the pain. Avoidence is the easiest way to avoid reality. 

Denial and avoidence. I'm doing both. I though I could do this, to act like everything is fine and it will be alright. But I'm lying to myself... I'm taken by stress and fear. Since that day, I cried for 2 days, on and off. Never knew I had that much tears. 

Now I feel really empty. The dream I used to have, where'd it go? (Queue The Wanted's song: All Time Low) Even my self esteem and personality has drop to an all time zero. The question is... should I be a bummer and spoil their day or just simply hide in my shell and not meet them at all? So much pondering.. so little time.

Seems like I'm still going for denial and avoidence. ㅠㅠㅠ

A hole

If you try your best and you don't succeed. Do you keep trying or let it slip through your hands? I am so close to giving up on my uni education cause it isn't working out but I feel so bad towards my parents...

I will just try for another semester. If it all doesn't work out... I'm leaving even if it breaks me up so bad. 😔 

I am left with no hope but only sorrow. My life is as grey as the sky.

Try to fix me

"And I had the week that came from hell

And yes I know that you can tell"

I know I should be spending my time mugging for the finals right now but somethings aren't just as easy. I can't get shit into my brain and I have no idea how I am I going to go for the exams tomorrow. Can I simply get an MC for the exams take a break off school and restart in year 2014 as a year 2 student all over again? Somethings aren't as simple as that.

Sometimes what we get isn't what we are looking for after all. I feel so much pain and sorrow I really don't know what to do about it. Now I know I am back to that little girl who let down her whole world. I worked so hard to get to where I am but why do I feel so drained and not motivated. Miracles, what are they? I don't even they they exist in my life any more. I am as hopeless as I can be but life isn't going the way it should be.

I wanna end all my misery. I want to end it all....

Ride.Or.Die.

WELL, HELLO RECESS WEEK.

(So much has happened in the past few weeks)

This is why I am so chirpy today! This week is for insane mugging and panick mode. Because 6 weeks later is Sem 1 Finals! So behind all my happiness is my fear and sorrows. School so far is a killer and nothing is going as expected. I am so closed to raising my white flag and surrender to fate.

Sometimes such things are easier said then done. So I vow to push on and continues this shit. Cause sometimes isn't only about you but those who care about you as well.

I don't ask for much (definitely not as HIGH as what I hoped for in poly) passing all my modules will be the best present ever! So please this simple request is all that I ask for.

Please.let.me.pass.

I gotta sleep and wake up real early tomorrow. Gotta throw in 110% in to my education. Hopefully possible.

Nights world. 

Carry on... or not...

Am I the only one struggling to understand? Cause it feels like I am the only one who do not understand anything that is going on. I feel so inferior and depressed. Being at the bottom of the bell curve is worrisome. I know I have been slacking off, trying to find excuses to avoid doing what I am suppose to do. Avoiding is all I can do now, because not knowing a single thing is soooo discouraging. But I think I am partly complacent. I do fear repeating of modules, but I am just not as motivated as I used to be.

I miss being efficient and productive.

I have finally reached the end of the tunnel that I am not sure where to go....



I realised, nothing good comes out from me and my thoughts when I am alone. So this post is oblivious because I am alone in the hall right now. 

The sound of an old guitar is saving you from sinking

"Life is always hard. 

Dry your eyes, dry your eyes

Don’t be afraid."

I have been wanting to post for the longest time but I have been EXTREMELY BUSY.

My life in uni has started for 3 weeks and now heading for the 4th. It's been pretty shitty academic wise but the course peeps are not that bad. Hall is really really convenient! No regrets about that! Besides that I have opened up quite a bit. However, somehow I find myself falling back into being that naive person and trusting anyone just in that instant you are friendly  with me. I really should keep an eye, cause you never will know...

I realised my stress level has hit an all time high and it's mentally wearing me out. I have kept up an facade for far too long and it's kinda driving me insane. Not only that, I have been having constant headaches when ever I'm feeling so stressed. I also have the tendency to express my anger like crazy at home. Uni really kinda turn my world upside down and out of it course! If this continues I really don't know how to do this anymore.

Please god! I need your bless to pull through 3 years of hell. I really don't want to let anyone down... ):

I WILL CONTINUE PRAYING AND HOPING! Alright gotta end here cause my head is starting to hurt again!

Forgive me, I'm just trying to find...

Hi there, I am back.

I know my come back post shouldn't be all sullen.

But I have to find a place to get things out of chest. If not, I have no idea how I am going to sleep tonight and head to school tomorrow or in the matter of fact work after school. Just having all stuck in me is so depressing and I can't even have a proper night rest. (Yes, body clock alarm at 4 in the morning despite sleeping at 12 - 2am) Yes, my life is messed up right now.

To be honest isn't but its just me. I am a wreak. I always let my nerves get the best of me. Sometimes I really believe I have anxiety issues and I am like almost an adult. I don't know how I can over come all this. I am too old for the crying shit too. I need to be tough.

I'll cut to the chase. I am freaking out on my next stage in life... university. I really hope I can get into one of the unis that I have applied else I really have no idea how I'd continue my life from there. Not to mention ... I shouldn't be so worries now but I have lost appetitie and what not. I will not have any idea what will happen to me later this year when I know I didn't get into any universities... that idea will freak me out big time now!

What ever it is I need to stop. I have to be strong and enjoy the now then looking in the future and freaking out over things that are not happening yet. That's me. See. I need to watch 'The Secret' to be back on track.

Phew, it's not a proper post but a ranting post of stuff that doesn't make sense don't you realize that? This like this happens to me. A LOT. I think I should blog more often. I feel so relieved now. (Wayyy better than my book or music distraction. Uh Oh!)

Leaving my place with a quote from ATL's sound...technically its sort of a love song but it sort of fit the emotions and feelings I am feeling for uni stuff. Yes, I AM ... D.E.S.P.E.R.A.T.E!

I'll be back soon. I hope. Busy. VERY.


p/s: I NEED A BUTTERFLYING BREAK. REALLY EXHAUSTED.

Oh, I can see now that all of these clouds

Are following me in my desperate endeavor

- Remembering Sunday; All Time Low