Complicated

Why do I feel the way I do. I know it would never be, but this constant nagging hope lives in me. Articles after articles are signs how I should be ignoring every single internal battle that my head and heart are having, forget whatever feelings I am having and would be having.

Being the person I am constantly putting my emotions in front of anything. This weakness is really anxiety ridden and really causing all the sleepless nights. If it is possible, I wish I was just a friend and never developed anything more than that. I hate this feeling of being trapped in the endless emotional circle. It really sucks to be me right now. I really wish I could simply just leave it all behind.

My life sucks so bad right now... I just need closure or just maintaining the friendship...

I hate how it is right now... T_T

Feb

Welcoming February where the month of flowers and sweets on the 14 makes me sick in the stomach and partly being sour grape from being single. HAHA.

This is not the point.

I had the worst January in all the years of my life (NOT) but it was horrible to a certain extend. So I welcome the singlehood and embracing the stressed up life that is not piling up slowing. I need to stop the weekend hangs and start my study proper. If I could I would love to go back to the last semester because I know this one will suck as much as the very first one. But anywho... WORK HARD AND FIGHT ON!

Alright ranting done and signing off, till next time.

Books. Books. Books.

How can I be silly twice!

Just thought I would do a post to elevate the worst day of my life and coming clean just about works for me. In fact the best solution actually. So here goes...

1) being silly and not listening to proper advice from le best guy friend. 

2) pushing the wrong buttons.

I officially screwed up the dynamics with the opposite gender.

Sorry I tend to overthink tons of stuff and sometimes hate people who just don't come clean and play stupid mind games. I am just kinda innocent about it all, after all I am inexperienced and shit. But it doesn't matter, it's better than letting things get all crazy and stuff right? But still sad though, cause just a really nice guy and I guess I am saying I kinda feel something but more towards the comfortable side. So hopefully no hard feelings and I don't want to spoil the way we are in school and stuff, cause it's just really being friends with guys.

But after today, I definitely still feel something but the way I was all crazy emotional when I was a teen. Hahaha, still funny how I fell for the same trap twice! WHAT THE.......... To Lorraine: WHY ARE YOU SO SILLY?!! PLEASE JUST REMIND ME TO NEVER BE SO SILLY TO SELF CONFESS AGAIN. Like hell, twice really?! LORRAINE HAVE YOU EVER LEARN YOUR LESSONS?! Hahaha, I guess I will just look back and say I did spend 23 years trying so hard to find a boyfriend IF I ever get married. But I really really wish I had one... cause I am starting to feel the aging process and worry. But the Feng Shui master said I won't find 1 till 27....... That's really old...... I should have known better to then to act as if I know the signs. I just fell flat on my ass. CAN I EVER NOT FEEL AWKWARD. NOPE. WHO AM I KIDDING.

Ah, regarding pushing the wrong buttons. I really can't be bothered right now, cause karma slapped me in the face for laughing at someone. Let's just leave it as that.

Phew, I feel better for spilling beans and posting. Well next up on my list while officially striking off boyfriend, is getting back to my baby... BOOKS. Sigh, how I wish our relationship this sem is better. PLEASE I NEED TO PULL GPA. SO NO MORE SLACKING AND THINKING OF SILLY BOYS. I'm done. Sometimes I wonder if I should ever just be a nun.., YA.. I still can't let go of not finding a boyfriend! (Stop looking, if it's meant to be it will be) I need to stop this shit and getting my proper sleep.

Just realised how every semester I have to meet with some stupid setback...

Goodnight world!
Till next time which I believe is a long while.... :D

The start of 2013

2013 countdown fireworks

Last picture of 2012 and first picture of 2013!

I know I have not been blogging in awhile and totally am neglecting it.

Well I guess I have pretty busy with internship and enjoying the spare time by dining and chilling with all people possible in my life back in 2012. But I just can't stop myself from doing this... one of those post where you know I always do looking back at the previous year.

So last year...

• Almost completing my diploma requirement
• Made out the most of my remaining school experience by going for pre u seminar
• Making new friends
• Helping juniors
• Longest working experience in my life span
• Going overseas alone with friends, ok maybe its just a short bus ride but it does count yes?
• Hanging out with Yue Ying at least once a month
• Meeting up with friends I have not met in awhile
• Halloween celebration
• Constantly on the go reading
• Drinking liquor :P
• 2013 countdown outside and away from home
• Finally experiencing life as a 20 year old should be doing

So in the year ahead I really hope I can do so much more in my life especially I will a full fledge adult, I wanna LIVE IN THE MOMENT enjoy myself before I become too old to enjoy things in life. I also hope I will be able to get into a local uni and get a degree, prove to people who used to look down on me that even though I did not do very well in primary school I made it all the way here with hard work and tears! I want to prove I am capable of getting that degree I always wanted and do my parents proud. I really hope this up coming year will be amazing!

2012 is gone, so 2013 please be ready to knock some socks of my feet and give me one hell of a time, please?

Oh yes, I have not been really fulfilling my promise, I really ought to do more.... !!! I have to!!!

Somethings are way more than it seems,

I've no idea what came over me. I'm really inspired to write this post. Sometimes things just come and you know, you just have to express it. I know I have not been blogging about emotional stuff (which I am trying to keep away). Shit always happen when I use CERTAIN internet stuff. You get it right? So here I am feeling like SHIT. :/

It would be cool if someone could leave a comment answering this questions:

• Am I being too on the guard till I lost who I really am?
• Am I a different person?
• Antisocial?
• Insecurities?

I guess somethings/situations in life can turn someone sweet to someone so bitter.

I'll use this holiday to do some soul searching. I'd love to be someone who is able to stand up like Stanley (some movie I watched over the weekend) and ignore everything even whatever they do to you. I am still childish at times, why? I always wish I am still a kid. A baby still. Life is easier. I've this strong growing intention to get rid of my current image - I want to be someone who looks like the way I think. No longer wanna be a softy and antisocial (oh it's hard to get rid). I want to change so many things. I want to try being a brand new person... I really do.