Hiving High Hopes?

I have never felt any emptier. I wish tears could easily fall and set a whole lot of emotions free, but what am I even feeling?

The fact that you are miss some things and holding on to things that will never work out. Is there any easier way to let things go?

Or is this merely PMS. Why has it been so hard on me recently? ):

I wish I am given a solution for things in my life...

The literal pain of a heartache...

I wish words could describe the thoughts and emotions that I am currently feeling, but at times the pain and things that are eating up at you could only be expressed that much.

I found the perfect album that says it all...

"If it's the will that has to be there, 

To find my way out of this hell that dwells inside of my head. 

Then I'll find the hope I misplaced and fear faced without a doubt. 

In a sea of shipwrecked thoughts my lungs are filled with lead now.

 I've been sinking so long. 

I've never been the type to give in, 

Maybe it's that feeling in my bones, 

That keeps me far from home. 

I'm miles away from all that I know, 

Maybe it's too hard for me to quit 

Down this path that's barely lit.

You know what's shaken me, is all the broken things.

I'm picking up what never went missing. 

Replace the piece of mind, fell out so far behind. 

So many words with a jaw still clenching. 

But now I'm through with you, nothing to do with you. 

I'm giving up on what was never there for me this time."

I really hope after doing this I will feel better.

But what are the odds, I am totally shattered and broken................

When the emotions are way bigger than you can handle.

THE NEW YEAR. Well, the lunar new year. Shouldn't it be a good start?

Well, not for me. Not really.

How could 2016 started off so badly that I am feeling so exhausted in the mere 2 months since it started? 

The number of emotional battles and anger management I got to handle goes beyond 1000. (Well, at least it feels like a 1000) I know many of those things are all my fault i.e. being too emotionally involved in situations. Well, I feel like I owe so many people an apology this year for all that shit that I have done. Well, I just don't feel like me recently.

The emptiness or longing rather has changed me. I feel like I suffering so badly, trying to breath, to hang on but there seems to be no way out of here. My temper and my mouth is getting the best of me. Maybe it is a sign I need to spend more time alone, stay away from people for a bit. 

At the end of the day we all go alone don't we? 

I am tired. Is there a better place out there for me? 

Drive

Welcome 2016.

It's been awhile with me and my random boring emotional rants.

Well, I am here because school is starting (again) next week! Pfffttt... I don't mind studying but it is the environment that I dislike and of course failures = meh why continue pushing it. I just lost my vibe in trying again. But who am I kidding? I need to move and push on since I am almost there.

The time doesn't matter. But I know I am sure bound to be a little conservative and keep myself locked up a bit more then usual. Cause that's what I am trying to do right now.

 Anywho, I need to get my sleeping patterns back before school starts next week, else it will be another sem of poor memory and grades.

Toodles. (probably will do a proper one again sometime this week, my mind seems to be here but not.. you get? hahah)

Where do you wonder when you are lost

I hate not finding my neutral point right now. I feel like a lost bird, no where close to home. 

Striving for the past 2 years and seeing the people I spend 2 years with all graduating soon sucks so bad. I know it's not a matter of how fast or graduating on time... Cause at the end of the day, you still get that paper. But it still saddens me how life runs this way. ): 

I just wish what God has placed in my path is telling me I can do more beyond what I think right now and it's a sign to let me grow (I know I'm not matured enough recently... Real obvious)! 

Cause as time passes, I feel lonelier and worst off. T_T 

I just need signs from you God, to help me, guide me through this low. I realised I have a lot of lows till the extend that I'm so mentally exhausted. T_T

Whatever it is, life still goes on.

(Ranting here feels so good!)

Complicated

Why do I feel the way I do. I know it would never be, but this constant nagging hope lives in me. Articles after articles are signs how I should be ignoring every single internal battle that my head and heart are having, forget whatever feelings I am having and would be having.

Being the person I am constantly putting my emotions in front of anything. This weakness is really anxiety ridden and really causing all the sleepless nights. If it is possible, I wish I was just a friend and never developed anything more than that. I hate this feeling of being trapped in the endless emotional circle. It really sucks to be me right now. I really wish I could simply just leave it all behind.

My life sucks so bad right now... I just need closure or just maintaining the friendship...

I hate how it is right now... T_T

What does it takes?

"Sometimes I wish something in the picture won't exist, 

but I'm quite exhausted from being the only one involved in this..."

I feel like crap. The feeling of constantly being in a vicious cycle and being so silly. Why can't I just let this go once and for all and continue the life I have been living all this time? Draw that line regardless. Why am I constantly drawn to the "bad habit"?

Right now I really do miss my familiar faces, cause they are the ones that give me the strength to kick the bad habit that is killing me softly.

Regardless, if this is a sign... please stop letting it get to me. At least show it will lead to somewhere and not this messed up feelings, attachment what-so-ever I am having!!!

IN THE FIRST PLACE WHY AM I SO SILLY?! T_T

FORGET IT... JUST END WHATEVER THIS IS!!!

Anxiety-ridden...

When change is inevitable.

I was hoping this 3 months of holiday would be different, will be something I look forward to. But all the things that happened recently has made the 1st week a living nightmare. Well, at least if I am homed up in my own room I don't care how much this is affecting me. But the fact is... 

DAMN IT... FINALLY HOW INTERNSHIP IS STARTING TOMORROW IS GETTING ME!

Well, it's not the company or the people I am anxious about. I am afraid of changes. All the recent changes was really been freaking me out. I look calm and at peace but inside I am dying. I lost the touch in expressing my true feelings to anyone or being honest to myself. I hate not being me! I hate how I lost track of my life. What sucks the most is how tomorrow being in hall without anyone I know will definitely take a toll on me...

Well, now I have to take this one step at a time... throwing all emotional shit away. Cause internship is real. I hope I can handle this.

I'm glad I did it anyway...

I'm glad. At least I know I have let a burden of my chest. Cause when my head runs at 100miles/hour, sleeping is not an option. Now I have been given more then enough to see the light. (: 

Being silly yes for doing it more then once yes. But at least I get a proper answer for myself. (: Life goes on, the world still spins. I know I won't talk to you anymore, but it's a happy-sad thing. 

Where are we even headed to?

Are there times where you question the relationship you have with a certain someone? Like what you really mean to them?

Right now I have the world's largest dilemma to let this person go or to continue whatever we are having even though things have changed quite a bit. The recent change has been really uncomfortable. I wish I could throw all my thoughts out there for the person to understand - from all the white lies to how I really really feel right now. But my reservations lies at how this will change things all over again. Where we no longer speak to each other...

I know I have 3 months to let it all go if all things heads to the place I hope it won't. But honestly, who am I kidding right? We all will miss the habits we both have had with the someone we thought we had a connection with. I am sure I will... being emotionally attached and all. T_T If only I could find a solution to my mind and heart.

Right now, how I wish this whole semester could start all over and I didn't let things transpire to where things have headed... But who am I kidding? If it was to happen all over again, I think I will do the same damn thing.

Ha, life. Why do you always go the way I wish you wouldn't go... ):

When speaking fails, we fall back on words...

Less then 24 hours is the first paper for this Sem. But here I am trying to be emotional stable to handle all screwed up shit in my life. 

This Sem has been one hella of a roller coaster ride, emotional turmoil and a whole lot of expectations. I wish I could just leave the expectations behind and move on! 

But it's not possible... I just know this will end up like Y2S1 where all the shit storm started. HA, I can't wait for life to laugh in my face. DEAR GOD, WHY ARE YOU MAKING MY LIFE SO HARSH ON ME?! WHY?! 

As time slowly slips away to the final paper... I too feel myself slipping into a world of anxiety and sorrow.... 

I pray for the best. That's all I can say. Please just don't let me repeat any modules!

Feb

Welcoming February where the month of flowers and sweets on the 14 makes me sick in the stomach and partly being sour grape from being single. HAHA.

This is not the point.

I had the worst January in all the years of my life (NOT) but it was horrible to a certain extend. So I welcome the singlehood and embracing the stressed up life that is not piling up slowing. I need to stop the weekend hangs and start my study proper. If I could I would love to go back to the last semester because I know this one will suck as much as the very first one. But anywho... WORK HARD AND FIGHT ON!

Alright ranting done and signing off, till next time.

Books. Books. Books.

How can I be silly twice!

Just thought I would do a post to elevate the worst day of my life and coming clean just about works for me. In fact the best solution actually. So here goes...

1) being silly and not listening to proper advice from le best guy friend. 

2) pushing the wrong buttons.

I officially screwed up the dynamics with the opposite gender.

Sorry I tend to overthink tons of stuff and sometimes hate people who just don't come clean and play stupid mind games. I am just kinda innocent about it all, after all I am inexperienced and shit. But it doesn't matter, it's better than letting things get all crazy and stuff right? But still sad though, cause just a really nice guy and I guess I am saying I kinda feel something but more towards the comfortable side. So hopefully no hard feelings and I don't want to spoil the way we are in school and stuff, cause it's just really being friends with guys.

But after today, I definitely still feel something but the way I was all crazy emotional when I was a teen. Hahaha, still funny how I fell for the same trap twice! WHAT THE.......... To Lorraine: WHY ARE YOU SO SILLY?!! PLEASE JUST REMIND ME TO NEVER BE SO SILLY TO SELF CONFESS AGAIN. Like hell, twice really?! LORRAINE HAVE YOU EVER LEARN YOUR LESSONS?! Hahaha, I guess I will just look back and say I did spend 23 years trying so hard to find a boyfriend IF I ever get married. But I really really wish I had one... cause I am starting to feel the aging process and worry. But the Feng Shui master said I won't find 1 till 27....... That's really old...... I should have known better to then to act as if I know the signs. I just fell flat on my ass. CAN I EVER NOT FEEL AWKWARD. NOPE. WHO AM I KIDDING.

Ah, regarding pushing the wrong buttons. I really can't be bothered right now, cause karma slapped me in the face for laughing at someone. Let's just leave it as that.

Phew, I feel better for spilling beans and posting. Well next up on my list while officially striking off boyfriend, is getting back to my baby... BOOKS. Sigh, how I wish our relationship this sem is better. PLEASE I NEED TO PULL GPA. SO NO MORE SLACKING AND THINKING OF SILLY BOYS. I'm done. Sometimes I wonder if I should ever just be a nun.., YA.. I still can't let go of not finding a boyfriend! (Stop looking, if it's meant to be it will be) I need to stop this shit and getting my proper sleep.

Just realised how every semester I have to meet with some stupid setback...

Goodnight world!
Till next time which I believe is a long while.... :D

GG. FML.

Well well well, today has gone really "well" .... I just screwed up the very first paper of this semester, when failing is not an option at alllllll.

FUCK. Goodbye to next semester and everything I wish to achieve in this lifetime.

The truth will be revealed on 29th Dec, which I can predict I am not able to get that minimum and say goodbye. I really don't have the mood to move on if it ever happens this coming semester.

Bye. Off to sulk my life away...

First paper, part death sentence.

I JUST HAD THE BEST REST EVER SINCE LAST WEEK.

Maybe partly because I had the opportunity to sleep at 10pm and wake up early. Isn't that better than burning midnight oil? It is also an excuse for trying to escape the remaining chapters I need to study for the paper later that starts at 1pm. 

This exam marks the beginning of my life on a thread, whether I can continue my university education or say goodbye. I am not exactly in the shape that I was hoping to be in. Well, life doesn't always go the way we want it, doesn't it always? T_T I hope that whatever tension and stress I am feeling goes away before the exams, WHO WANTS TO FAIL?!

Alright, I'm done ranting. 

Need to establish a good relationship with my notes. 

The beginning of the repeated nightmare, new semester

Thought I'd share a bit of my fears before I embrace school tomorrow... Well, it should be today but due to the Saturday public holiday... so, you get the idea.

I know every Semester I get freaked over the changes for. This sem will suck so bad with my impending suicidal determination to try another semester. I am risking it all this time. Whether I will have a serious mark on my academic portfolio or sail it through and rest everything again. Who knows? Only the exam results could tell. And to say I just got up on my feet in poly with a good grade but emotionally struggling here and there every sem., my academic career has yet met with another downfall which I hope really isn't the end for me yet. T_T  

Next, DIP. Basically hardware isn't my thing, but I will still try to do it though. 2AUs. Just gonna do it and complete it. Trying my hardest to hold myself together and trying to pull off this the impending doomed in the upcoming 13 weeks.

I know I shouldn't  be stressing myself, but sometimes I just can't help it. I am like in freaked out mode whenever I have to face something so new and gradually get into the grove. MY ADAPTATION TO LIFE SUCKS. I wish I wasn't an adult... Haiz. But I am not giving up just yet. I will try not to be too negative and try my hardest this semester to hold on to the positive vibe with my Rasclat Bracelet. Maybe I should get the Lokai Bracelet as a reminder too.  

RANTING COMPLETED. STRESS RELIEVED. Off to prep for school tomorrow. 

Bye folks! 

Maybe next May

1 more month...

1 more chance... 

... before all hell breaks loose...

(The start of school!)

The past 2 months of holiday wasn't all comfort and happiness, although I did managed to hang with my friends. Half my my life span during the holidays was spent worrying and freaking out on results, upcoming semester and what now. Resulting in a serious case of insomnia. I have to start with the pep talk and self motivation. Funny how 3 months can just fly past so quickly. I REALLY HOPE I CAN MAKE IT NEXT SEMESTER! *FINGERS CROSSED*

Now I have to go and plan the remaining of my holidays with the following activities before I have no life once again...

1) HK Trip.
2) Meetup with the 7! girls when I get back from HK.
3) Meetup with YY & Yvette.
4) Brunch with Agnes, Ming Jia and Hui Ting.

I hope I do not spend so much time on the above events that I don't have time to prep myself for the new semester and not slack off.

Hell and Back

Satisfactory, not really but I am glad I managed to make a huge improvement in my results this semester. Thanks for giving me another chance!

It's not about doing well, but surviving 13 weeks of school again. I think I might just go ahead and try another semester before I give up on my academic career since the GPA is increasing. I know I need to work 10 time harder then last semester but I am willing to give it my all because this has shown so much that actually I can make it. (Semester 1 is all too much of a disaster to go through over again.. if only my results in the 1st were the same as the semester, things wouldn't be so hard on me).

I have another 13 more weeks before I know if it is really the end of my academic career again, but sometimes we just got to take risks. If you never try you would never know. I just pleased to see the grades for programming and maths, but disappointed in my physics and software engineering grades.

I am really glad I found TONIGHT ALIVE'S HELL AND BACK! It gave me so much strength to face my results today and I have ISSUES'S NEVER LOSE YOUR FLAMES to push me on to continue with my uni education. What will I do without these bands in my life?!

Let's try it once more and see where it will get me...

"There’s no use in feeling low, No… 

But I never let myself down, so bad

But I never thought I’d have the things I have

Cause it was the heaviest rain I ever felt on my skin 

It was the heaviest place that I have ever been in 

As the walls crashed down I felt it slip away 

Cause I went to hell and back just to be where I am today"

One the edge

Results are coming out really soon, and I know my fate is near. Be it whether I am gonna keep up at it or just giving up on my dreams.

I really hope life would be a little kinder to me, give me a chance to step it up once more. I know I am more then this, I know I have made tons of mistakes but I am learning (being overly ambitious thinking I can handle 21 hours of lesson, struggling but refuse to get help and YES superrrrr overestimating my abilities.) Now its not about doing well getting the perfect results but being humble (I NEED THE HUMBLE PIE) and surviving till the end of the entire course which means graduation.

I am not afraid to say I am doing really badly in my chosen major, cause reality is staring right back at me. But if I am given another chance I am willing to do what it takes cause I have found whatever I have been looking for this holiday, the DETERMINATION (one that I have forgotten after my success in the polytechnic) as well as being super complacent about all the people around me (all the smart people who are studying in the local university who are much more hard working and smarter then me).

I know I have made some pretty bad choices, but sometimes we have to learn from them in order to ease up on the ego I have built up for my academic career. If only I am given another chance this coming friday...

If only....

Whatever it is, I am going to take whatever god has placed in my hand and take it as it is. Cause it's never about taking that one route, evidential in my WHOLE ACADEMIC CAREER. Life has it's way of coming around and making people understand. I will learn and make it there someday, if it's really that bad, I know I can... it's just a matter of how long... (:

What's the point?

I just wish I hadn't made that move, took that step cause the world is such a different place at where I am standing now.

Such a screw up.

I need to show that I can pull through this shit despite all the negativity. Cause I am going to prove people wrong!

Goodbye!