Thoughts on my mind

It has been awhile since I had the urge to write a post to let some negativity and anxiety out.

Starting to feel pretty overwhelmed today with all that I have on hand. This is when where I really want to shut everyone out in my life and only keep the ones that I love dearly.

The final semester is coming real soon and I am afraid I need to extend another one more. I am praying so hard God knows what's best for me and will guide my way despite my sins. Cause I believe God has his plans.

It has been a rough start after turning another year old this year with mishap after mishap. I really wish it could end so I can focus on more important things like school. I would really love to leave school. I have never felt worst after starting higher education and keep feeling really stupid. Never felt any lower.

I think I will stop here. When my thoughts are more well organised I will be back and share happy thoughts.

I can get over the coming semester. Failing or passing I shall just try my best! Jiayou!

When the emotions are way bigger than you can handle.

THE NEW YEAR. Well, the lunar new year. Shouldn't it be a good start?

Well, not for me. Not really.

How could 2016 started off so badly that I am feeling so exhausted in the mere 2 months since it started? 

The number of emotional battles and anger management I got to handle goes beyond 1000. (Well, at least it feels like a 1000) I know many of those things are all my fault i.e. being too emotionally involved in situations. Well, I feel like I owe so many people an apology this year for all that shit that I have done. Well, I just don't feel like me recently.

The emptiness or longing rather has changed me. I feel like I suffering so badly, trying to breath, to hang on but there seems to be no way out of here. My temper and my mouth is getting the best of me. Maybe it is a sign I need to spend more time alone, stay away from people for a bit. 

At the end of the day we all go alone don't we? 

I am tired. Is there a better place out there for me? 

Where do you wonder when you are lost

I hate not finding my neutral point right now. I feel like a lost bird, no where close to home. 

Striving for the past 2 years and seeing the people I spend 2 years with all graduating soon sucks so bad. I know it's not a matter of how fast or graduating on time... Cause at the end of the day, you still get that paper. But it still saddens me how life runs this way. ): 

I just wish what God has placed in my path is telling me I can do more beyond what I think right now and it's a sign to let me grow (I know I'm not matured enough recently... Real obvious)! 

Cause as time passes, I feel lonelier and worst off. T_T 

I just need signs from you God, to help me, guide me through this low. I realised I have a lot of lows till the extend that I'm so mentally exhausted. T_T

Whatever it is, life still goes on.

(Ranting here feels so good!)

A new semester.

Cheer to having an extra day before school starts tomorrow.

The  upcoming semester is gonna be a tough on. All my friend have moved forward and I well... back to clear my modules. I really hope I can make it through. Especially now with the strength of God. Let just see what route this semester will be like. I have endured for so long, the remaining (hopefully 1.5 years will be fine). Hang on and just do it! I can do this!

LET GO AND LET GOD. 

When speaking fails, we fall back on words...

Less then 24 hours is the first paper for this Sem. But here I am trying to be emotional stable to handle all screwed up shit in my life. 

This Sem has been one hella of a roller coaster ride, emotional turmoil and a whole lot of expectations. I wish I could just leave the expectations behind and move on! 

But it's not possible... I just know this will end up like Y2S1 where all the shit storm started. HA, I can't wait for life to laugh in my face. DEAR GOD, WHY ARE YOU MAKING MY LIFE SO HARSH ON ME?! WHY?! 

As time slowly slips away to the final paper... I too feel myself slipping into a world of anxiety and sorrow.... 

I pray for the best. That's all I can say. Please just don't let me repeat any modules!

Feb

Welcoming February where the month of flowers and sweets on the 14 makes me sick in the stomach and partly being sour grape from being single. HAHA.

This is not the point.

I had the worst January in all the years of my life (NOT) but it was horrible to a certain extend. So I welcome the singlehood and embracing the stressed up life that is not piling up slowing. I need to stop the weekend hangs and start my study proper. If I could I would love to go back to the last semester because I know this one will suck as much as the very first one. But anywho... WORK HARD AND FIGHT ON!

Alright ranting done and signing off, till next time.

Books. Books. Books.

Face reality and endure.

Hello all,

Another new year, another new semester.

More new goals to set as well.

The coming semester feels so alien to me. One of my classmates who I can relate to on so many levels is MIA, which saddens me. People who tend to go missing always end up leaving school. Losing 1 was a big blow to me, another will be worst. I hope I will get to see her when school reopens and may everything be the same as it is, or at least better. Cause right now I feel so alone, which sucks. Fear of something new I guess and my self esteem is still on the low right now.

On the side note, thank god for helping me get out of a horrible place I am in last semester. This coming semester will be worst of. I know it. 4 study modules, 3 of which I hope to pass but predict will fail so bad. T_T I still am willing to try though. My schedule is not pact, but I know I will laze around and procrastinate. I just hope the coming semester will be a miracle and OF COURSE 1000% hardwork again, more than this semester.

This is a battle I am willing to fight. I know even alone with an extra 1 semester compared to my friends I have to do it. YES YOU CAN, YOU WILL, YOU MUST!

With my constant sneezing and tiredness, I need to end here.

Bye.

GG. FML.

Well well well, today has gone really "well" .... I just screwed up the very first paper of this semester, when failing is not an option at alllllll.

FUCK. Goodbye to next semester and everything I wish to achieve in this lifetime.

The truth will be revealed on 29th Dec, which I can predict I am not able to get that minimum and say goodbye. I really don't have the mood to move on if it ever happens this coming semester.

Bye. Off to sulk my life away...

The beginning of the repeated nightmare, new semester

Thought I'd share a bit of my fears before I embrace school tomorrow... Well, it should be today but due to the Saturday public holiday... so, you get the idea.

I know every Semester I get freaked over the changes for. This sem will suck so bad with my impending suicidal determination to try another semester. I am risking it all this time. Whether I will have a serious mark on my academic portfolio or sail it through and rest everything again. Who knows? Only the exam results could tell. And to say I just got up on my feet in poly with a good grade but emotionally struggling here and there every sem., my academic career has yet met with another downfall which I hope really isn't the end for me yet. T_T  

Next, DIP. Basically hardware isn't my thing, but I will still try to do it though. 2AUs. Just gonna do it and complete it. Trying my hardest to hold myself together and trying to pull off this the impending doomed in the upcoming 13 weeks.

I know I shouldn't  be stressing myself, but sometimes I just can't help it. I am like in freaked out mode whenever I have to face something so new and gradually get into the grove. MY ADAPTATION TO LIFE SUCKS. I wish I wasn't an adult... Haiz. But I am not giving up just yet. I will try not to be too negative and try my hardest this semester to hold on to the positive vibe with my Rasclat Bracelet. Maybe I should get the Lokai Bracelet as a reminder too.  

RANTING COMPLETED. STRESS RELIEVED. Off to prep for school tomorrow. 

Bye folks! 

Maybe next May

1 more month...

1 more chance... 

... before all hell breaks loose...

(The start of school!)

The past 2 months of holiday wasn't all comfort and happiness, although I did managed to hang with my friends. Half my my life span during the holidays was spent worrying and freaking out on results, upcoming semester and what now. Resulting in a serious case of insomnia. I have to start with the pep talk and self motivation. Funny how 3 months can just fly past so quickly. I REALLY HOPE I CAN MAKE IT NEXT SEMESTER! *FINGERS CROSSED*

Now I have to go and plan the remaining of my holidays with the following activities before I have no life once again...

1) HK Trip.
2) Meetup with the 7! girls when I get back from HK.
3) Meetup with YY & Yvette.
4) Brunch with Agnes, Ming Jia and Hui Ting.

I hope I do not spend so much time on the above events that I don't have time to prep myself for the new semester and not slack off.

Hell and Back

Satisfactory, not really but I am glad I managed to make a huge improvement in my results this semester. Thanks for giving me another chance!

It's not about doing well, but surviving 13 weeks of school again. I think I might just go ahead and try another semester before I give up on my academic career since the GPA is increasing. I know I need to work 10 time harder then last semester but I am willing to give it my all because this has shown so much that actually I can make it. (Semester 1 is all too much of a disaster to go through over again.. if only my results in the 1st were the same as the semester, things wouldn't be so hard on me).

I have another 13 more weeks before I know if it is really the end of my academic career again, but sometimes we just got to take risks. If you never try you would never know. I just pleased to see the grades for programming and maths, but disappointed in my physics and software engineering grades.

I am really glad I found TONIGHT ALIVE'S HELL AND BACK! It gave me so much strength to face my results today and I have ISSUES'S NEVER LOSE YOUR FLAMES to push me on to continue with my uni education. What will I do without these bands in my life?!

Let's try it once more and see where it will get me...

"There’s no use in feeling low, No… 

But I never let myself down, so bad

But I never thought I’d have the things I have

Cause it was the heaviest rain I ever felt on my skin 

It was the heaviest place that I have ever been in 

As the walls crashed down I felt it slip away 

Cause I went to hell and back just to be where I am today"

One the edge

Results are coming out really soon, and I know my fate is near. Be it whether I am gonna keep up at it or just giving up on my dreams.

I really hope life would be a little kinder to me, give me a chance to step it up once more. I know I am more then this, I know I have made tons of mistakes but I am learning (being overly ambitious thinking I can handle 21 hours of lesson, struggling but refuse to get help and YES superrrrr overestimating my abilities.) Now its not about doing well getting the perfect results but being humble (I NEED THE HUMBLE PIE) and surviving till the end of the entire course which means graduation.

I am not afraid to say I am doing really badly in my chosen major, cause reality is staring right back at me. But if I am given another chance I am willing to do what it takes cause I have found whatever I have been looking for this holiday, the DETERMINATION (one that I have forgotten after my success in the polytechnic) as well as being super complacent about all the people around me (all the smart people who are studying in the local university who are much more hard working and smarter then me).

I know I have made some pretty bad choices, but sometimes we have to learn from them in order to ease up on the ego I have built up for my academic career. If only I am given another chance this coming friday...

If only....

Whatever it is, I am going to take whatever god has placed in my hand and take it as it is. Cause it's never about taking that one route, evidential in my WHOLE ACADEMIC CAREER. Life has it's way of coming around and making people understand. I will learn and make it there someday, if it's really that bad, I know I can... it's just a matter of how long... (:

What's the point?

I just wish I hadn't made that move, took that step cause the world is such a different place at where I am standing now.

Such a screw up.

I need to show that I can pull through this shit despite all the negativity. Cause I am going to prove people wrong!

Goodbye!

Life

Every time I walk pass my secondary school, it always trigger the memory linked to those wonder year. 9 years ago I was there bawling my eyes out worrying about the future. Here I am now, in uni. If you'd ask me 5 years ago where would I see myself 5 years later I never would have imagine this milestone that I have hoped all my life.

Life never ceased to amaze me. How peoples' life turns out differently. Kids we knew back in the days are now having their own families. Never did have I realized I am actually getting really old. But everyone has their own dreams. As for me, it's completing my tertiary education. 

This post doesn't really make a lot of sense since I saw some photos and just started thinking about how old I am getting and every second now shouldn't go to waste!

Nothing feels right anymore

Right now I'm sleepless and so here a quick post of randomise thoughts which might only make sense to me.

This exact quote is the representation of my life right at this moment and I couldn't have said it any better.

“I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. And because I cannot do everything I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.”

– Hellen Keller

HOWEVER.....

The situation right now is really all about re-enforcing her words. Now I don't think it's about me proving a point, but enjoying the process!

YES I CAN, I WILL, I MUST!!!!!!

(Ps: If I'd blog a post every time I can't seem to sleep, this blog ought to have the value of 5 * 13 post! -.-)

Denial

Denial is just the easiest way to hide the pain. Avoidence is the easiest way to avoid reality. 

Denial and avoidence. I'm doing both. I though I could do this, to act like everything is fine and it will be alright. But I'm lying to myself... I'm taken by stress and fear. Since that day, I cried for 2 days, on and off. Never knew I had that much tears. 

Now I feel really empty. The dream I used to have, where'd it go? (Queue The Wanted's song: All Time Low) Even my self esteem and personality has drop to an all time zero. The question is... should I be a bummer and spoil their day or just simply hide in my shell and not meet them at all? So much pondering.. so little time.

Seems like I'm still going for denial and avoidence. ㅠㅠㅠ

A hole

If you try your best and you don't succeed. Do you keep trying or let it slip through your hands? I am so close to giving up on my uni education cause it isn't working out but I feel so bad towards my parents...

I will just try for another semester. If it all doesn't work out... I'm leaving even if it breaks me up so bad. 😔 

I am left with no hope but only sorrow. My life is as grey as the sky.

Try to fix me

"And I had the week that came from hell

And yes I know that you can tell"

I know I should be spending my time mugging for the finals right now but somethings aren't just as easy. I can't get shit into my brain and I have no idea how I am I going to go for the exams tomorrow. Can I simply get an MC for the exams take a break off school and restart in year 2014 as a year 2 student all over again? Somethings aren't as simple as that.

Sometimes what we get isn't what we are looking for after all. I feel so much pain and sorrow I really don't know what to do about it. Now I know I am back to that little girl who let down her whole world. I worked so hard to get to where I am but why do I feel so drained and not motivated. Miracles, what are they? I don't even they they exist in my life any more. I am as hopeless as I can be but life isn't going the way it should be.

I wanna end all my misery. I want to end it all....

Ride.Or.Die.

WELL, HELLO RECESS WEEK.

(So much has happened in the past few weeks)

This is why I am so chirpy today! This week is for insane mugging and panick mode. Because 6 weeks later is Sem 1 Finals! So behind all my happiness is my fear and sorrows. School so far is a killer and nothing is going as expected. I am so closed to raising my white flag and surrender to fate.

Sometimes such things are easier said then done. So I vow to push on and continues this shit. Cause sometimes isn't only about you but those who care about you as well.

I don't ask for much (definitely not as HIGH as what I hoped for in poly) passing all my modules will be the best present ever! So please this simple request is all that I ask for.

Please.let.me.pass.

I gotta sleep and wake up real early tomorrow. Gotta throw in 110% in to my education. Hopefully possible.

Nights world. 

Carry on... or not...

Am I the only one struggling to understand? Cause it feels like I am the only one who do not understand anything that is going on. I feel so inferior and depressed. Being at the bottom of the bell curve is worrisome. I know I have been slacking off, trying to find excuses to avoid doing what I am suppose to do. Avoiding is all I can do now, because not knowing a single thing is soooo discouraging. But I think I am partly complacent. I do fear repeating of modules, but I am just not as motivated as I used to be.

I miss being efficient and productive.

I have finally reached the end of the tunnel that I am not sure where to go....



I realised, nothing good comes out from me and my thoughts when I am alone. So this post is oblivious because I am alone in the hall right now.