Fuck this shit!!!!

FUCK THIS SHIT! I'M ENDING ALL THIS SHIT HERE RIGHT NOW!!!!!

NO MORE HOPING AND WANTING. IF ITS MEANT TO BE IT WILL. LIFE IS JUST FULL OF STORMS AND I GOTTA KNOW I CAN HANDLE THIS CRAP!!!!!!

FUCK DEPENDING ON PEOPLE... I CAN DO IT ON MY OWN.


FUCK THE WORLD!!!! I NEED TO BE STRONG FOR MYSLEF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



I officially hate being reflective about events in my life. Totally not good............-_-

Do overs?

I always want to go overseas. It's just my way of letting everything go, whatever happened in the 20 years of living.

If I ever get a chance that is...

I know going away is just avoiding ever single fucked up I have gone through. So let's change today with this blog post. I want to forgive and apologise for things that occurred in the past 20 years. It's time to let go.... I know people who are suppose to read this wont be reading this, but hey who knows?

1) People who mock me in my childhood days about how I'm stupid, I forgive you.

2) I apologise for feeling so dumb to act as if I am in-charge but I just felt so at ease then.

3) I know we don't like each other but doesn't mean we should continue pulling "gun shots" or "swords" out at each other. We should learn peace is always the best.

4) If ever I did argue my way out of any situation, I apologise. I am just a stubborn ox!

5) I don't mean to copy. I just want to be in the "in crowd" but I realised its just a way to blend in and never be the one people talks about.

6) I'm sorry for screwing up friendships. My kindergarten friends (N & L) totally spoiled their birthdays years back. ><

7) I am sorry for all my mood swings and crazy attitude.

8) Yes I know I'm a bitch at times, but who isn't one sometimes?

I know these are lessons in life to toughen me up. I just want to let all of this go and start all over again! 20, a number that is kinda scary cause growing up we gotta stop all the fucked up situations and toughen up...

I CAN DO THIS!!! I CAN, I WILL, I MUST!!!

Are you afraid?

The past few days I have been going through a tough dilemma..

Can I really go through with uni and get a degree? Or should I give up on that thought?

Ever since I received the tickets for graduation I realised I officially have to start the new pathway in life and being a person who's constantly afraid of change this is one of the biggest in my life. If I don't get into a university, I'll end up working and working life is not a bed of roses. Working for the past 6 months taught me that.

I really am lost right now & can't be all baby-ish like I was years ago! BUT I CAN'T STOP FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!

Haixxx..........

Do we do what we say?

We always say... live in the moment, let your hair down and don't hold back, life is just too short for any regrets.

And this brings me to my new year resolution. I was reading and learnt that I shouldn't live in the past, but always live in the moment. However I don't seem to be able to let go... I guess it's just me. I am tired of doing the same thing over an over again. Freaking out on things that have yet to happen and better yet... IM GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS TEENAGE ANGER SHIT. I need to get my focus back. At least I know where it was when I was studying but now I just kinda lost it.

I am just so down right now I can't even continue with what I'm doing. :/

Maybe I should do some therapeutic drawing. Continue reading. Get a moleskin, sharpie pen and my idea cap on.

To Be Continued.....

Forgive me, I'm just trying to find...

Hi there, I am back.

I know my come back post shouldn't be all sullen.

But I have to find a place to get things out of chest. If not, I have no idea how I am going to sleep tonight and head to school tomorrow or in the matter of fact work after school. Just having all stuck in me is so depressing and I can't even have a proper night rest. (Yes, body clock alarm at 4 in the morning despite sleeping at 12 - 2am) Yes, my life is messed up right now.

To be honest isn't but its just me. I am a wreak. I always let my nerves get the best of me. Sometimes I really believe I have anxiety issues and I am like almost an adult. I don't know how I can over come all this. I am too old for the crying shit too. I need to be tough.

I'll cut to the chase. I am freaking out on my next stage in life... university. I really hope I can get into one of the unis that I have applied else I really have no idea how I'd continue my life from there. Not to mention ... I shouldn't be so worries now but I have lost appetitie and what not. I will not have any idea what will happen to me later this year when I know I didn't get into any universities... that idea will freak me out big time now!

What ever it is I need to stop. I have to be strong and enjoy the now then looking in the future and freaking out over things that are not happening yet. That's me. See. I need to watch 'The Secret' to be back on track.

Phew, it's not a proper post but a ranting post of stuff that doesn't make sense don't you realize that? This like this happens to me. A LOT. I think I should blog more often. I feel so relieved now. (Wayyy better than my book or music distraction. Uh Oh!)

Leaving my place with a quote from ATL's sound...technically its sort of a love song but it sort of fit the emotions and feelings I am feeling for uni stuff. Yes, I AM ... D.E.S.P.E.R.A.T.E!

I'll be back soon. I hope. Busy. VERY.


p/s: I NEED A BUTTERFLYING BREAK. REALLY EXHAUSTED.

Oh, I can see now that all of these clouds

Are following me in my desperate endeavor

- Remembering Sunday; All Time Low