Where do you wonder when you are lost

I hate not finding my neutral point right now. I feel like a lost bird, no where close to home. 

Striving for the past 2 years and seeing the people I spend 2 years with all graduating soon sucks so bad. I know it's not a matter of how fast or graduating on time... Cause at the end of the day, you still get that paper. But it still saddens me how life runs this way. ): 

I just wish what God has placed in my path is telling me I can do more beyond what I think right now and it's a sign to let me grow (I know I'm not matured enough recently... Real obvious)! 

Cause as time passes, I feel lonelier and worst off. T_T 

I just need signs from you God, to help me, guide me through this low. I realised I have a lot of lows till the extend that I'm so mentally exhausted. T_T

Whatever it is, life still goes on.

(Ranting here feels so good!)

A new semester.

Cheer to having an extra day before school starts tomorrow.

The  upcoming semester is gonna be a tough on. All my friend have moved forward and I well... back to clear my modules. I really hope I can make it through. Especially now with the strength of God. Let just see what route this semester will be like. I have endured for so long, the remaining (hopefully 1.5 years will be fine). Hang on and just do it! I can do this!

LET GO AND LET GOD. 

Complicated

Why do I feel the way I do. I know it would never be, but this constant nagging hope lives in me. Articles after articles are signs how I should be ignoring every single internal battle that my head and heart are having, forget whatever feelings I am having and would be having.

Being the person I am constantly putting my emotions in front of anything. This weakness is really anxiety ridden and really causing all the sleepless nights. If it is possible, I wish I was just a friend and never developed anything more than that. I hate this feeling of being trapped in the endless emotional circle. It really sucks to be me right now. I really wish I could simply just leave it all behind.

My life sucks so bad right now... I just need closure or just maintaining the friendship...

I hate how it is right now... T_T

What does it takes?

"Sometimes I wish something in the picture won't exist, 

but I'm quite exhausted from being the only one involved in this..."

I feel like crap. The feeling of constantly being in a vicious cycle and being so silly. Why can't I just let this go once and for all and continue the life I have been living all this time? Draw that line regardless. Why am I constantly drawn to the "bad habit"?

Right now I really do miss my familiar faces, cause they are the ones that give me the strength to kick the bad habit that is killing me softly.

Regardless, if this is a sign... please stop letting it get to me. At least show it will lead to somewhere and not this messed up feelings, attachment what-so-ever I am having!!!

IN THE FIRST PLACE WHY AM I SO SILLY?! T_T

FORGET IT... JUST END WHATEVER THIS IS!!!

Anxiety-ridden...

When change is inevitable.

I was hoping this 3 months of holiday would be different, will be something I look forward to. But all the things that happened recently has made the 1st week a living nightmare. Well, at least if I am homed up in my own room I don't care how much this is affecting me. But the fact is... 

DAMN IT... FINALLY HOW INTERNSHIP IS STARTING TOMORROW IS GETTING ME!

Well, it's not the company or the people I am anxious about. I am afraid of changes. All the recent changes was really been freaking me out. I look calm and at peace but inside I am dying. I lost the touch in expressing my true feelings to anyone or being honest to myself. I hate not being me! I hate how I lost track of my life. What sucks the most is how tomorrow being in hall without anyone I know will definitely take a toll on me...

Well, now I have to take this one step at a time... throwing all emotional shit away. Cause internship is real. I hope I can handle this.

I'm glad I did it anyway...

I'm glad. At least I know I have let a burden of my chest. Cause when my head runs at 100miles/hour, sleeping is not an option. Now I have been given more then enough to see the light. (: 

Being silly yes for doing it more then once yes. But at least I get a proper answer for myself. (: Life goes on, the world still spins. I know I won't talk to you anymore, but it's a happy-sad thing. 

Where are we even headed to?

Are there times where you question the relationship you have with a certain someone? Like what you really mean to them?

Right now I have the world's largest dilemma to let this person go or to continue whatever we are having even though things have changed quite a bit. The recent change has been really uncomfortable. I wish I could throw all my thoughts out there for the person to understand - from all the white lies to how I really really feel right now. But my reservations lies at how this will change things all over again. Where we no longer speak to each other...

I know I have 3 months to let it all go if all things heads to the place I hope it won't. But honestly, who am I kidding right? We all will miss the habits we both have had with the someone we thought we had a connection with. I am sure I will... being emotionally attached and all. T_T If only I could find a solution to my mind and heart.

Right now, how I wish this whole semester could start all over and I didn't let things transpire to where things have headed... But who am I kidding? If it was to happen all over again, I think I will do the same damn thing.

Ha, life. Why do you always go the way I wish you wouldn't go... ):

When speaking fails, we fall back on words...

Less then 24 hours is the first paper for this Sem. But here I am trying to be emotional stable to handle all screwed up shit in my life. 

This Sem has been one hella of a roller coaster ride, emotional turmoil and a whole lot of expectations. I wish I could just leave the expectations behind and move on! 

But it's not possible... I just know this will end up like Y2S1 where all the shit storm started. HA, I can't wait for life to laugh in my face. DEAR GOD, WHY ARE YOU MAKING MY LIFE SO HARSH ON ME?! WHY?! 

As time slowly slips away to the final paper... I too feel myself slipping into a world of anxiety and sorrow.... 

I pray for the best. That's all I can say. Please just don't let me repeat any modules!

Feb

Welcoming February where the month of flowers and sweets on the 14 makes me sick in the stomach and partly being sour grape from being single. HAHA.

This is not the point.

I had the worst January in all the years of my life (NOT) but it was horrible to a certain extend. So I welcome the singlehood and embracing the stressed up life that is not piling up slowing. I need to stop the weekend hangs and start my study proper. If I could I would love to go back to the last semester because I know this one will suck as much as the very first one. But anywho... WORK HARD AND FIGHT ON!

Alright ranting done and signing off, till next time.

Books. Books. Books.

How can I be silly twice!

Just thought I would do a post to elevate the worst day of my life and coming clean just about works for me. In fact the best solution actually. So here goes...

1) being silly and not listening to proper advice from le best guy friend. 

2) pushing the wrong buttons.

I officially screwed up the dynamics with the opposite gender.

Sorry I tend to overthink tons of stuff and sometimes hate people who just don't come clean and play stupid mind games. I am just kinda innocent about it all, after all I am inexperienced and shit. But it doesn't matter, it's better than letting things get all crazy and stuff right? But still sad though, cause just a really nice guy and I guess I am saying I kinda feel something but more towards the comfortable side. So hopefully no hard feelings and I don't want to spoil the way we are in school and stuff, cause it's just really being friends with guys.

But after today, I definitely still feel something but the way I was all crazy emotional when I was a teen. Hahaha, still funny how I fell for the same trap twice! WHAT THE.......... To Lorraine: WHY ARE YOU SO SILLY?!! PLEASE JUST REMIND ME TO NEVER BE SO SILLY TO SELF CONFESS AGAIN. Like hell, twice really?! LORRAINE HAVE YOU EVER LEARN YOUR LESSONS?! Hahaha, I guess I will just look back and say I did spend 23 years trying so hard to find a boyfriend IF I ever get married. But I really really wish I had one... cause I am starting to feel the aging process and worry. But the Feng Shui master said I won't find 1 till 27....... That's really old...... I should have known better to then to act as if I know the signs. I just fell flat on my ass. CAN I EVER NOT FEEL AWKWARD. NOPE. WHO AM I KIDDING.

Ah, regarding pushing the wrong buttons. I really can't be bothered right now, cause karma slapped me in the face for laughing at someone. Let's just leave it as that.

Phew, I feel better for spilling beans and posting. Well next up on my list while officially striking off boyfriend, is getting back to my baby... BOOKS. Sigh, how I wish our relationship this sem is better. PLEASE I NEED TO PULL GPA. SO NO MORE SLACKING AND THINKING OF SILLY BOYS. I'm done. Sometimes I wonder if I should ever just be a nun.., YA.. I still can't let go of not finding a boyfriend! (Stop looking, if it's meant to be it will be) I need to stop this shit and getting my proper sleep.

Just realised how every semester I have to meet with some stupid setback...

Goodnight world!
Till next time which I believe is a long while.... :D

Face reality and endure.

Hello all,

Another new year, another new semester.

More new goals to set as well.

The coming semester feels so alien to me. One of my classmates who I can relate to on so many levels is MIA, which saddens me. People who tend to go missing always end up leaving school. Losing 1 was a big blow to me, another will be worst. I hope I will get to see her when school reopens and may everything be the same as it is, or at least better. Cause right now I feel so alone, which sucks. Fear of something new I guess and my self esteem is still on the low right now.

On the side note, thank god for helping me get out of a horrible place I am in last semester. This coming semester will be worst of. I know it. 4 study modules, 3 of which I hope to pass but predict will fail so bad. T_T I still am willing to try though. My schedule is not pact, but I know I will laze around and procrastinate. I just hope the coming semester will be a miracle and OF COURSE 1000% hardwork again, more than this semester.

This is a battle I am willing to fight. I know even alone with an extra 1 semester compared to my friends I have to do it. YES YOU CAN, YOU WILL, YOU MUST!

With my constant sneezing and tiredness, I need to end here.

Bye.