Up and coming..

A new year is fast approaching.. I had experienced so much, especially my greatest failure in my academic career which landed a devastating end to 2013. But this means lessons learnt and a major wake up call. 

So here's my resolutions for the upcoming year:

1) EXERCISE TO DESTRESS.

2) PARTICPATE IN A MARATHON! 

3) No more procrastination

4) 6 months of crazy ass social media resulted in my obsessive I can't live without social network habit all over again. I WILL KICK IT!

5) Study hard, work hard, cause effort = results!

6) I CAN, I WILL, I MUST!

7) Travel to a place I have yet to been.

8) Enjoy life, don't worry and stress too much.

Leaving it at lucky 8, yes I'm superstitious like that. May 2014 please bring me more  study luck (cause I can't give up on my uni dream) and happiness along the way. 

A hole

If you try your best and you don't succeed. Do you keep trying or let it slip through your hands? I am so close to giving up on my uni education cause it isn't working out but I feel so bad towards my parents...

I will just try for another semester. If it all doesn't work out... I'm leaving even if it breaks me up so bad. 😔 

I am left with no hope but only sorrow. My life is as grey as the sky.

Try to fix me

"And I had the week that came from hell

And yes I know that you can tell"

I know I should be spending my time mugging for the finals right now but somethings aren't just as easy. I can't get shit into my brain and I have no idea how I am I going to go for the exams tomorrow. Can I simply get an MC for the exams take a break off school and restart in year 2014 as a year 2 student all over again? Somethings aren't as simple as that.

Sometimes what we get isn't what we are looking for after all. I feel so much pain and sorrow I really don't know what to do about it. Now I know I am back to that little girl who let down her whole world. I worked so hard to get to where I am but why do I feel so drained and not motivated. Miracles, what are they? I don't even they they exist in my life any more. I am as hopeless as I can be but life isn't going the way it should be.

I wanna end all my misery. I want to end it all....

Anxieties and fear

EXAMS ARE REALLY NEAR! I have 10 more days till the first one which I am bound to fail for sure!I never realised how much shit I don't know and the content is overwhelming which is killing me sooo bad. God of exam bell curve, please let me pass all modules. I promise you, next semester I will work harder! OH PLEASE! ):

Now my head is in a whirlwind and I can't effing study cause I'm worrying my ass over things that aren't happening just yet. And if this semester isn't working out... Next semester I don't know how I am going to pull myself out of this dark hole.

PLEASE.I.JUST.WANNA.PASS.

*i bet a trillion this post doesn't make any sense, but a girl needs a place to rant!

Ride.Or.Die.

WELL, HELLO RECESS WEEK.

(So much has happened in the past few weeks)

This is why I am so chirpy today! This week is for insane mugging and panick mode. Because 6 weeks later is Sem 1 Finals! So behind all my happiness is my fear and sorrows. School so far is a killer and nothing is going as expected. I am so closed to raising my white flag and surrender to fate.

Sometimes such things are easier said then done. So I vow to push on and continues this shit. Cause sometimes isn't only about you but those who care about you as well.

I don't ask for much (definitely not as HIGH as what I hoped for in poly) passing all my modules will be the best present ever! So please this simple request is all that I ask for.

Please.let.me.pass.

I gotta sleep and wake up real early tomorrow. Gotta throw in 110% in to my education. Hopefully possible.

Nights world. 

Carry on... or not...

Am I the only one struggling to understand? Cause it feels like I am the only one who do not understand anything that is going on. I feel so inferior and depressed. Being at the bottom of the bell curve is worrisome. I know I have been slacking off, trying to find excuses to avoid doing what I am suppose to do. Avoiding is all I can do now, because not knowing a single thing is soooo discouraging. But I think I am partly complacent. I do fear repeating of modules, but I am just not as motivated as I used to be.

I miss being efficient and productive.

I have finally reached the end of the tunnel that I am not sure where to go....



I realised, nothing good comes out from me and my thoughts when I am alone. So this post is oblivious because I am alone in the hall right now. 

The sound of an old guitar is saving you from sinking

"Life is always hard. 

Dry your eyes, dry your eyes

Don’t be afraid."

I have been wanting to post for the longest time but I have been EXTREMELY BUSY.

My life in uni has started for 3 weeks and now heading for the 4th. It's been pretty shitty academic wise but the course peeps are not that bad. Hall is really really convenient! No regrets about that! Besides that I have opened up quite a bit. However, somehow I find myself falling back into being that naive person and trusting anyone just in that instant you are friendly  with me. I really should keep an eye, cause you never will know...

I realised my stress level has hit an all time high and it's mentally wearing me out. I have kept up an facade for far too long and it's kinda driving me insane. Not only that, I have been having constant headaches when ever I'm feeling so stressed. I also have the tendency to express my anger like crazy at home. Uni really kinda turn my world upside down and out of it course! If this continues I really don't know how to do this anymore.

Please god! I need your bless to pull through 3 years of hell. I really don't want to let anyone down... ):

I WILL CONTINUE PRAYING AND HOPING! Alright gotta end here cause my head is starting to hurt again!

Real shit, starting in 3... 2... 1...

HELL SHIT GOT REAL TODAY! And here's a little shout out to make my start a wee bit better.

"I CAN MAKE IT TILL THE END OF YEAR 2.1! I CAN MAKE IT TILL THE END OF YEAR 4! I CAN GRADUATE!"

Well... Hopefully.

Break the tension

I know I can't stay away much from this blog and my predicament is right. I really did try my hardest to stay away especially feeling like crap now. However, I need this post so badly! My mental state is in a total wreak right now, because...

I HAVE A QET TOMORROW AND I KNOW THE POSSIBILITY OF PASSING IS CLOSE TO NONE! (I really hate to admit that..)

I don't need any other people convincing me that I need to be positive, calm and shit. I know my English standards; spelling is atrocious and my content is as kiddish as it can get. Not only that, I have a hard time organising my thoughts whenever I freak out and no amount of deep breathing is going to get rid of that fear flowing in my blood. Besides, I can affirm anyone that I know that I will definitely be freaking the hell out almost every millisecond, second, minute and hour till the test end.

I really do hope I will be able to write something on the piece of paper, else I might as well not turn up and get enrolled in the additional English module that all the candidates who failed will be enrolled in. Right at this moment I am feeling like shit because I can't even get any ideas for a simple sample paper. I might as well have a F.L.U.N.K OR S.C.R.E.W.E.D written in red on the entire paper.

To all the gods-who-are-helping-the-qet-candidates, please bless me by letting me pass (need not be a fantastic pass but an OKAY, NO NEED EL MODULE! pass) so that I don't have to take another module that I am soooo sure might kill me with the amount of modules on my plate. PLEASE GOD. PLEASE.

I really do need a miracle. A FREAKING MIRACLE. ):



//shit just got reaaal with blackboard. i need to pass y2.1 to go to aussie else... i might as well... 

Hopeless

I want to believe I am a dream catcher. Everything seems out of reach. Dreams aren't dreams, but a burden.

Without the basics where will I be. My expectations are now fears and pitch black. Life shouldn't be about failures or constant suicidal thoughts. It should be carefree, full of rainbows and butterflies. (It's not always the case but... you get what I mean)

Did I just lead myself in the deepest and darkest of pit holes?

I just want to pass, no repeating of modules and I am good. No more hoping for 2nd class. Just passes!

Dream catcher?

I am sceptical about what life is about to put me in the next couple of years. It's gonna be those times ALL OVER AGAIN, 3 years of pure anxiety, worry and misery. But definitely there will be times that will be harder to get by.

I know It's too early to say anything when I have not started it on proper terms, however some how I have the strangest feeling I won't be able to get it completed and during this process I'm gonna go crazyyyy, LITERALLY!!! Even with constant motivation from my family and friends, I really hate being a let down. I really dont want to be a let down. I'm feeling super miserable right now but have been suppressing it for awhile now. 

I haven been the nicest person on the plant and made plently of empty promise to god. Just please tell me/show me a sign I'm making the right decision (I really am lost from the start). I don't need to excel. I just need to get through this 3 years and graduate with that square hat. It's just all I ask. *fingers crossed*

I hope in the next month I'm game for all the stress and pressure. I really, truly, hopefully, can get through all this.

Let's all get back in the game!

I CAN, I WILL, I MUST!!!!

Time to go find some motivational videos...

Fuck this shit!!!!

FUCK THIS SHIT! I'M ENDING ALL THIS SHIT HERE RIGHT NOW!!!!!

NO MORE HOPING AND WANTING. IF ITS MEANT TO BE IT WILL. LIFE IS JUST FULL OF STORMS AND I GOTTA KNOW I CAN HANDLE THIS CRAP!!!!!!

FUCK DEPENDING ON PEOPLE... I CAN DO IT ON MY OWN.


FUCK THE WORLD!!!! I NEED TO BE STRONG FOR MYSLEF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



I officially hate being reflective about events in my life. Totally not good............-_-

Do overs?

I always want to go overseas. It's just my way of letting everything go, whatever happened in the 20 years of living.

If I ever get a chance that is...

I know going away is just avoiding ever single fucked up I have gone through. So let's change today with this blog post. I want to forgive and apologise for things that occurred in the past 20 years. It's time to let go.... I know people who are suppose to read this wont be reading this, but hey who knows?

1) People who mock me in my childhood days about how I'm stupid, I forgive you.

2) I apologise for feeling so dumb to act as if I am in-charge but I just felt so at ease then.

3) I know we don't like each other but doesn't mean we should continue pulling "gun shots" or "swords" out at each other. We should learn peace is always the best.

4) If ever I did argue my way out of any situation, I apologise. I am just a stubborn ox!

5) I don't mean to copy. I just want to be in the "in crowd" but I realised its just a way to blend in and never be the one people talks about.

6) I'm sorry for screwing up friendships. My kindergarten friends (N & L) totally spoiled their birthdays years back. ><

7) I am sorry for all my mood swings and crazy attitude.

8) Yes I know I'm a bitch at times, but who isn't one sometimes?

I know these are lessons in life to toughen me up. I just want to let all of this go and start all over again! 20, a number that is kinda scary cause growing up we gotta stop all the fucked up situations and toughen up...

I CAN DO THIS!!! I CAN, I WILL, I MUST!!!

Are you afraid?

The past few days I have been going through a tough dilemma..

Can I really go through with uni and get a degree? Or should I give up on that thought?

Ever since I received the tickets for graduation I realised I officially have to start the new pathway in life and being a person who's constantly afraid of change this is one of the biggest in my life. If I don't get into a university, I'll end up working and working life is not a bed of roses. Working for the past 6 months taught me that.

I really am lost right now & can't be all baby-ish like I was years ago! BUT I CAN'T STOP FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!

Haixxx..........

Do we do what we say?

We always say... live in the moment, let your hair down and don't hold back, life is just too short for any regrets.

And this brings me to my new year resolution. I was reading and learnt that I shouldn't live in the past, but always live in the moment. However I don't seem to be able to let go... I guess it's just me. I am tired of doing the same thing over an over again. Freaking out on things that have yet to happen and better yet... IM GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS TEENAGE ANGER SHIT. I need to get my focus back. At least I know where it was when I was studying but now I just kinda lost it.

I am just so down right now I can't even continue with what I'm doing. :/

Maybe I should do some therapeutic drawing. Continue reading. Get a moleskin, sharpie pen and my idea cap on.

To Be Continued.....

Forgive me, I'm just trying to find...

Hi there, I am back.

I know my come back post shouldn't be all sullen.

But I have to find a place to get things out of chest. If not, I have no idea how I am going to sleep tonight and head to school tomorrow or in the matter of fact work after school. Just having all stuck in me is so depressing and I can't even have a proper night rest. (Yes, body clock alarm at 4 in the morning despite sleeping at 12 - 2am) Yes, my life is messed up right now.

To be honest isn't but its just me. I am a wreak. I always let my nerves get the best of me. Sometimes I really believe I have anxiety issues and I am like almost an adult. I don't know how I can over come all this. I am too old for the crying shit too. I need to be tough.

I'll cut to the chase. I am freaking out on my next stage in life... university. I really hope I can get into one of the unis that I have applied else I really have no idea how I'd continue my life from there. Not to mention ... I shouldn't be so worries now but I have lost appetitie and what not. I will not have any idea what will happen to me later this year when I know I didn't get into any universities... that idea will freak me out big time now!

What ever it is I need to stop. I have to be strong and enjoy the now then looking in the future and freaking out over things that are not happening yet. That's me. See. I need to watch 'The Secret' to be back on track.

Phew, it's not a proper post but a ranting post of stuff that doesn't make sense don't you realize that? This like this happens to me. A LOT. I think I should blog more often. I feel so relieved now. (Wayyy better than my book or music distraction. Uh Oh!)

Leaving my place with a quote from ATL's sound...technically its sort of a love song but it sort of fit the emotions and feelings I am feeling for uni stuff. Yes, I AM ... D.E.S.P.E.R.A.T.E!

I'll be back soon. I hope. Busy. VERY.


p/s: I NEED A BUTTERFLYING BREAK. REALLY EXHAUSTED.

Oh, I can see now that all of these clouds

Are following me in my desperate endeavor

- Remembering Sunday; All Time Low

The start of 2013

2013 countdown fireworks

Last picture of 2012 and first picture of 2013!

I know I have not been blogging in awhile and totally am neglecting it.

Well I guess I have pretty busy with internship and enjoying the spare time by dining and chilling with all people possible in my life back in 2012. But I just can't stop myself from doing this... one of those post where you know I always do looking back at the previous year.

So last year...

• Almost completing my diploma requirement
• Made out the most of my remaining school experience by going for pre u seminar
• Making new friends
• Helping juniors
• Longest working experience in my life span
• Going overseas alone with friends, ok maybe its just a short bus ride but it does count yes?
• Hanging out with Yue Ying at least once a month
• Meeting up with friends I have not met in awhile
• Halloween celebration
• Constantly on the go reading
• Drinking liquor :P
• 2013 countdown outside and away from home
• Finally experiencing life as a 20 year old should be doing

So in the year ahead I really hope I can do so much more in my life especially I will a full fledge adult, I wanna LIVE IN THE MOMENT enjoy myself before I become too old to enjoy things in life. I also hope I will be able to get into a local uni and get a degree, prove to people who used to look down on me that even though I did not do very well in primary school I made it all the way here with hard work and tears! I want to prove I am capable of getting that degree I always wanted and do my parents proud. I really hope this up coming year will be amazing!

2012 is gone, so 2013 please be ready to knock some socks of my feet and give me one hell of a time, please?

Oh yes, I have not been really fulfilling my promise, I really ought to do more.... !!! I have to!!!